


Five Times Richie Was Busted by Officer Slater, Plus One Time He Wasn’t

by d0ntyouforgetaboutme



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), Superbad (2007)
Genre: Good Parents Maggie & Wentworth Tozier, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Recreational Drug Use, Richie Tozier Has ADHD, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Richie Tozier's Internalized Homophobia, Self-Indulgent, T for trashmouth, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24157387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d0ntyouforgetaboutme/pseuds/d0ntyouforgetaboutme
Summary: Five times Richie was caught by a cop who mysteriously resembles him, plus one time he wasn’t(aka, the most self indulgent thing I’ve ever written)
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 14
Kudos: 54





	Five Times Richie Was Busted by Officer Slater, Plus One Time He Wasn’t

  1. April 1991



It all starts when they’re hanging out with Mike. Mike excitedly tells them of a small pond he found while exploring the woods near his farm.

“It’s so... I don’t know, peaceful. It’s not like anything else I’ve seen around here,” Mike says with a wide grin. “The water’s not all murky and gross. It’s just a nice little pond surrounded by trees.”

“I guess not many people know about it” Ben says. Mike gives an affirmative nod.

“There aren’t empty beer cans in the water, so that definitely means no one from Derry knows about it,” he quips, making everyone laugh. “I’ve started going there after long days and just relaxing.”

“Let’s go visit it” Bev suggests.

“I mean, it’s technically part of my neighbor’s property, so we’d have to walk past his house” Mike sheepishly confesses.

This doesn’t seem to be an issue for Bill or Richie, as they start off to Mike’s neighbor’s property without hesitation. Mike considers the consequences before his impulsive teenage brain takes over and leads a tour of his and his neighbor’s properties.

Something all seven of them somehow fail to take into consideration is that when you’re trespassing on someone’s property in broad daylight, carrying on with your usual chatter only increases your chances of getting caught.

As they walk through the canopy of trees with leaves as green as the grass on the ground, the Losers are greeted with an unusual, but welcome, feeling of peace. The pond is as beautiful as Mike described it. There isn’t any pollution, as is typical for all other bodies of water in Derry, just cattails and a couple of lily pads. The chatter of the group dies down as they all start to soak in the serenity of the area.

That makes it all the more jarring when they are collectively startled by a voice behind them saying “Private property. Got a complaint that you guys were trespassing.”

Richie turns away from observing the way Eddie decided to relax for once and dipped his feet in the water and sees a towering figure in a police uniform. The man has dorky glasses that could give his own a run for his money and a badge that says Officer Slater. He kind of looks like an older Richie, the more Richie thinks about it.

Officer Slater makes the same connection as he looks at Richie. Once he sees that it’s just a group of teenagers hanging out and not causing trouble, he decides to go easier on them. Not that he was planning on going all that hardcore on them in the first place.

Everyone looks to Mike, who looks absolutely terrified. He takes a deep breath and prepares for the worst from what he assumes to be another one of Derry’s racist cop, and the remaining six prepare to defend him if need be. Ben and Stan take note of the rocks near them, fully prepared to start another rock war.

Thankfully, Officer Slater is nothing like the rest of Derry’s cops. “I get that you guys aren’t doing anything bad, but you still can’t be out here” he says calmly.

“We.. we didn’t think anyone owned this property” Bev says quietly.

“You kids aren’t in trouble, you just need to leave.” Slater then turns to Richie, who is staring at him. “You alright there?”

Richie’s anxiety, ADHD, and general need to be a smartass compel him to make a joke. A million things run through his mind before he settles on, “You’re just hard to take seriously in those glasses.”

“Look who’s talking, Buddy Holly,” Slater replies without missing a beat. Everyone is surprised- not necessarily that Richie was stupid enough to talk back to a cop, but that the cop was so nonchalant about everything. “Come on, I can’t be here all day.”

The eight of them tread back to Mike’s house, nobody really speaking. For once, it’s Eddie to break the silence instead of Richie. “I guess your neighbor must have been really pissed off to call the cops.” He immediately covers his mouth, scared about the consequences of swearing in front of a cop. Slater doesn’t react.

“What else would we expect from Mike’s crotchety neighbor?” Stan deadpans before turning to roll his eyes at Richie giggling at the word “crotchety.”

When all is said and done, Slater gets back in his car and rolls the window down. “Take it easy,” he turns to Eddie with a shit eating grin and says “Don’t do stupid shit.” And with that he drives off, leaving the other Losers slightly confused.

“Not wh-what I w-was expecting” Bill says as they watch the cop car disappear. The other six nod in agreement.

  1. June 1992



Richie manages to make it over a year without being busted by Officer Slater. That doesn’t mean he’s abstained from the usual teenage shenanigans, like smoking weed sometimes and goofing off in school a little too much, but he doesn’t have any run-ins with the law. That is, until he has a sleep over with Eddie.

Getting Sonia Kaspbrak to agree to let Eddie spend the night anywhere but her house is not an easy task, which is why Richie treasures his sleep overs with Eddie.

Sleep overs with the Losers, whether they’re all together or it’s only a few of them, are always great, but sleep overs with just Eddie are extra special to Richie. They hang out and bicker like usual, but the atmosphere is always somehow different. Richie always feels closer to Eddie during these times. Eddie brings a sleeping bag, but they always end up sharing a bed. Richie will never admit it, but he enjoys sharing a bed with Eddie way more than he feels he should.

Usually, the two of them won’t get tired right away and will go for a little walk around the neighborhood. On this occasion, however, Richie decides to take it a step further and go raid the local gas station for snacks.

“I have a bad feeling about this” Eddie mutters as soon as they’re a couple blocks from the Tozier house. Walking around the neighborhood at night is one thing, but venturing further into Derry at 2am (well past the 11pm curfew for minors) is on a different level in his opinion.

“Take it easy, Han Solo” Richie quips, eliciting a little pout from Eddie. Even in the dark, he still notices Eddie twiddling his thumbs nervously. Richie blames Eddie’s mother for, among other things, making Eddie terrified of getting in trouble or even doing anything remotely wrong.

“Remind me again why I agreed to this” Eddie grumbles, not reassured by Richie’s teasing.

“Because I haven’t had as much time to go to the arcade like I usually do, so I still have all my Street Fighter money,” Richie brags. “I can get you all the candy your heart desires, Spaghetti Man.”

Eddie pauses. “That means you owe me a blue raspberry slushie.”

“That can be arranged.”

The two get about ten more minutes into their walk, accompanied by their usual banter, before a pair of headlights flashes over them. Sure enough, it’s a cop car thatimmediately stops by them. Eddie grips Richie’s hand out of fear, and Richie feels the butterflies in his stomach double.

The window rolls down and the two are greeted with a very amused Officer Slater. “Good to see you boys again.” The two stare at him blankly, surprised he remembers them.

Slater is apparently a mind reader as he continues with “What? Surprised I recognized you in the dark?”

“I’m amazed you can see in the dark at all with those glasses” comes out of Richie’s mouth before his brain can even process what he’s saying.

This earns him a muttered “Shut the fuck up, Richie” from Eddie and a little laugh from Slater. Richie grimaces, trying and failing miserably not to look nervous.

“As amusing as this conversation is, you two still can’t be out here,” Slater points out. Eddie looks down at the pavement, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Here, hop in the back and I’ll take you back to your houses.” He’s patient while the two slowly climb in the back, still visibly nervous.

“We’re, uh, both staying at my house” Richie says before giving him the address. Slater nods and starts to drive off.

“So I gotta wonder, what were you two doing out here in the first place?”

“Well, Edward Spaghedward here-“

“That‘s not my name-“

“-Was just so determined to have a blue raspberry slushie-“

“And that is so not what happened!”

“-How could I say no to him?”

“Damn, are you guys always like this?” Slater snorts as he makes a turn. “Also, just so you know, piña colada slushies are the best ones.”

“You both are out of your damn minds, because wild cherry is obviously way better” Richie says, starting to loosen up. Eddie is a bit more hesitant to relax, but he’s not as anxious as he was before. He’s not completely relieved of the idea that his mom would somehow know he got busted by a cop (again).

As he watches Eddie and Richie disappear back into the Tozier house, he smiles a bit to himself. He likes the idea that he’s showing some of the teenagers around here that not all cops are assholes and that they can have a fun time, too. He hopes that’s the impression he gives them, anyway.

  1. October 1992



Richie clearly does not learn his lesson about staying out past curfew, as he decides a few months later to spend his Halloween wreaking havoc on some local residents’ homes with toilet paper. He spends the first half of the evening binging some horror movies with friends while dressed as a hippie (with ripped jeans, a tie-dye shirt, and a headband) but about reveals about halfway through Halloween II that he‘s not done with his fun just yet.

Telling his friends about his scheme earns him mostly eyerolls, as well as a “That’s such a stupid idea” from Stan. Richie brushes it off. He knows he at least has Bill on his side, as Bill already agreed to join in once he was done taking his brother Georgie trick or treating. He’s delighted when Eddie quietly agrees to join in as well. Richie isn’t quite sure why, but Eddie just looks really happy at the thought of spending more time with him and Richie’s definitely not complaining.

When the time comes, Richie slips out of his house, still in costume, with a backpack filled with toilet paper and meets up with Eddie and Bill at the park. Bill has changed out of his vampire costume, but kept the makeup on. He brought a half used roll of toilet paper. Eddie has also changed from his cowboy costume (that was really just a cowboy hat and a bandana) into an all black outfit. He has some toilet paper stuffed into his pockets, which prompts some giggling from Richie and Bill.

“Aw Eds, look at you. Going through your first period of teenage rebellion.”

“At least I had the sense to change into some darker clothes,” Eddie grumbles, grateful no one can see his blushing in the dark. “Why would you wear that bright ass shirt when you’re trying to not get caught? Don’t you remember what happened the last time?”

“Let’s just get s-started already,” Bill interjects. “Wh-who are w-we getting first?”

“I’d say we hit the houses on Fourth Street” Richie suggests. The trio head off to Fourth Street, agreeing to hit any houses on the way that look easy.

“We-we’re p-probably gonna end up getting p-people’s cars more than anything else,” Bill cackles. “None of us are athletic at all. No w-way we-we’re gonna get this on the roof and shit.”

“Egging probably would have been easier” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Damn Eds,” Richie whistles. “Didn’t know you had a bad boy streak.”

“I just mean, like, statistically,” Eddie clarifies. “We’d have a better chance of hitting the houses with eggs than we would getting toilet paper on the roof-“ His tirade on the probability of successful Halloween pranking is cut off by Richie loudly fake snoring. Bill tries to surpress his giggles.

“It’s not my fault you don’t think things through-“ Eddie is once again cut off, but this time by flashing headlights. He and Richie share a feeling of déjà vu as they are stopped by Officer Slater just like they were mere months ago.

“It’s a little late to be out trick or treating, don’t you think, boys?” Slater says, grinning at his own joke in a manner similar to Richie. Richie, however, is definitely not as amused.

He grits his teeth. “The fun’s just beginning.” Clearly he is going to have to do all the talking, as Eddie refuses to look up from the ground and Bill is completely frozen.

This time, Slater steps out of the car. The three boys all grimace as Slater’s flashlight shines in their eyes. “I need your toilet paper.” Everyone looks to Bill, who is very clearly holding a roll of toilet paper.

Bill turns a shade of bright red as he offers the roll to Slater. “I-I-I guess you w-wouldn’t b-believe it, that it w-was for going to the b-bathroom?” he tries to make a joke, but it’s completely botched by his stutter. His stuttering always gets worse when he’s nervous.

“You two as well.” Slater can barely hide his amused grin as Eddie pulls the toilet paper out of his pockets and meekly hands it over. He places it, along with Bill’s roll, into a plastic bag. Slater then gives a couple of playful taps on Richie’s backpack. “Come on backpack boy, I know you’ve got toilet paper in there.”

Richie begrudingly takes off his backpack and unzips it, revealing multiple rolls of toilet paper shoved in there. “Holy shit, kid, how long did you prepare for this?”

“Three weeks” Richie says, emptying the bag’s contents into the plastic bag.

“What? No joke about my glasses this time?”

“I wasn’t planning on running into you tonight or I would have thought of some.”

“You might want to have picked a better time to go through with your devious little plot then,” Slater chides, taking the plastic bag that was now stuffed with toilet paper in putting it in the passanger seat of his car. “Cops are out until the early hours of the morning because of kids like you.”

“Are w-we gonna get in trouble for this?” Bill asks, nervously playing with his sleeves.

“For this? Nah. You little shits didn’t actually hit anyone and plus I just took all of your toilet paper so,” Slater gestures to his car. “These two know the drill. Just get in the backseat and I’ll take you home.”

Eddie and Bill give him their addresses. Slater turns to Richie and teases “I still remember your address.” Richie tries not to sulk too much; Slater was being more than fair in this situation, after all.

He’s the last one dropped off. Before he gets out of the car he offers a shy, but sincere, “Thanks, uh, for not ratting us out to our parents or anything.”

Slater nods. “It’s cool, you just need to stop doing stupid shit.”

It’s Richie’s turn to nod this time. “I’m trying.” Not wanting to sit outside of the house for too long and risk getting caught by his parents, Richie finally slips out of the car.

“Have a good evening, Richie.”

“You too.”

Richie never expected to be so friendly with a cop. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was starting to take a liking to Officer Slater.

  1. May 1993



The end of junior year for the Losers kicks off with an exciting invitation. On the last day of school, news travels around about a party going on that evening. It’s just some kid whose parents don’t give a shit having a house party, but everyone in the school is welcome to attend. Including the Loser’s Club.

“Guess we’re not Losers anymore if we’re getting invited to a party, huh guys?” Richie jokes as the six of them meet up at the end of the day to walk home together, like they always do.

“An open invitation and a formal invite aren’t the same thing,” Eddie rolls his eyes. “Besides, we’re not really gonna go there, right?”

Stan shrugs. “I don’t know, it might be fun. We never get to do stuff like this.”

Eddie’s eyes widen. “Do what, drink all night and get fucking alcohol posioning?! Do you know how many teens die from drinking too much? Not to mention the number of car accidents-”

“I think you paid too much attention in health class, Eddie Spaghetti” Richie ruffles his hair, igniting chuckles from everyone- except Eddie, of course.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, Eddie,” Bev reassures him. “We’re not gonna force you.”

“Haystack, you’re a reasonable person. Please tell me you’re not going either.”

Ben shrugs. “I think it might be fun.” Eddie doesn’t miss his glance at Bev and sighs, knowing that Ben will absolutely go if Bev does.

When night falls, the only Losers that stay home are Eddie (obviously) and Mike, who still has classes at his school the next day. The remaining five spend the night together at the kid’s house, mingling with whatever kids want to come drink with them.

Ben and Bill are very sensible about how much they drink, while Bev and Richie let loose a little more. The one who ends up drinking the most is surprisingly Stan. “The nerdiest ones always go the most hardcore,” is Richie’s explanation as Stan starts on another beer. “They gotta blow off their steam from being boring all fucking day.”

“Fuck off, Richard” Stan slurs, taking a pillow off of the couch and throwing it at Richie.

At one point Richie, who gets rather ravenous when he’s drunk, struts into the kitchen and begins making himself a sandwich. Ben bursts into a fit of giggles at this.

“Damn, so like... so like, Richie’s a hungry drunk and, and then Ben’s a giggly drunk. What kinda drunk am I?” Stan questions.

“A fucking lightweight” Bev snorts, earning laughs from the entire kitchen.

The party lasts for a little over an hour before the police inevitably show up. In the midst of all the chaos, the five of them slip out the back door together. They do the best they can to be stealth while intoxicated, which is not saying much. They’re soon met with the light of a flashlight and an all too familiar voice sternly telling them, “Stay right there, you all reek of booze and I know damn well none of you are twenty-one.” Richie turns around and, of fucking course, it’s Officer Slater.

When the two make eye contact, Richie sees an exasperated look in Slater’s eyes. The kids, even in their various states of intoxication, know that Slater recognizes them from the pond incident and, in Bill’s case, the Halloween incident.

“Good to see you all again, I suppose,” he shines his flashlight at the kids and observes them for a couple moments. He doesn’t even need to test them, they’ve all clearly been drinking. “I’m gonna be honest, though, it would be nice to see you kids not in the middle of committing crimes.”

“Aw, but where’s the fun in that?” Richie says, trying his hardest not to slur. As if Slater couldn’t tell he’d had more than a few drinks.

“Yeah it’s fun, but underage drinking is still a serious offense, I can’t let you kids off the hook this time,” he knows he’s just doing his job, but he still feels a little guilty watching the kids’ terrified expressions. “I need your names.”

The kids all stand in silence. Slater sighs. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just give me your names and we can get this all over with.”

“Beverly Marsh” Bev finally says, albeit quietly. Slater nods and looks to the other four expectantly.

“Stanley Uris” Stan says, grimacing as his drunk brain tries to think about how furious his father is going to be with him. It also doesn’t help that he’s starting to feel sick.

“W-William Denb-brough.”

“Benjamin Hanscom.”

Slater notices how Ben and Bill share the same guilty expression. He can tell they’re both really good kids. He then makes eye contact with Richie, who remains quiet.

Richie knows that Officer Slater fucking knows who he is by now, but he still shifts uncomfortably before squeaking out, “Richard Tozier.”

“Okay. You two,” he points to Stan and Bill. “Are gonna ride down to the station with my friend Officer Michaels. And you three,” he gestures to Richie, Ben, and Bev. “Are gonna ride with me.”

Stan and Bill are barely paying attention, as Stan has started to drape himself over Bill. Bill is doing his best to support him. “Hey Michaels!” Slater calls over to another cop, who comes over. “I want you to drive these two down to the station, I’m gonna take the other three. Be careful with the curly haired kid, he’s plastered.”

The man, Michaels, nods and gently takes Stan off of Bill, guiding him to a car. Richie, Bev, and Ben follow Slater to his own car. There’s a strange feeling of familiarity as Richie steps into the backseat of Slater’s car again. Richie can’t really focus on that, however, as all of his energy is instead spent on trying to not have a panic attack. This isn’t like the other times, where Slater is really chill and jokes around with him. He’s not being mean, but he’s more subdued tonight compared to how relaxed and playful he was the other times. He‘s going to call Richie’s parents and Richie‘s actually going to get in trouble. Real trouble.

His spiraling thoughts are interrupted by Ben, who timidly asks, “What are they gonna do to us?”

“Relax, you kids aren’t in any serious trouble,” Slater promises as he drives down to the station. “You’ll get hit with a fine and your parents will be really pissed off, but we’re not gonna make you stay in jail overnight or anything like that.”

Bev, who is starting to get sleepy, lays her head on Richie’s shoulder. Richie notices the jealous glances from Ben and would be more amused in any other situation. If not for the awkward circumstances, Richie would maybe try to hint that Bev is... really not his type.

When they come to get him, Maggie and Wentworth are, understandably, furious with Richie. While they’re relieved that all of the kids are okay, they still chew their son out the next afternoon. (They figure that yelling at him when he’s too drunk or hungover to care won’t do anything.) Richie spends the next few weeks going straight to Went’s office after school each day to sweep, wash the windows, help Went disinfect the dental tools, take out the trash, and generally just keep the practice clean. That’s not a problem for him; Richie is used to cleaning a lot to get his arcade money. The Tozier house was quite pristine because of Richie’s Street Fighter addiction.

In the days following this, Maggie sometimes walks into his room at night and just watches Richie while he sleeps, grateful that her boy is still alive and that Officer Slater got to him before he drank way too much.

  1. August 1993



Hotboxing in the clubhouse isn’t how Richie expected to spend his Tuesday afternoon, but he wasn’t complaining. He had a nice time smoking with Bill and Stan, and then trying to make themselves not smell like they were baked.

At one point, Bill started to spill his guts about his crush on Bev, and about how he felt like he was in competition with Ben for her affection. Richie and Stan pretended that they didn’t already know about these things. Richie wanted to talk about his own crush, but couldn’t. That’s why when he was done dousing himself in dry shampoo, he went over to the kissing bridge with the pocket knife they kept in the clubhouse (for “safety”).

He feels a bit weird sticking his knife into his work from a few years ago, but this is the only way he can express himself and his feelings. He recarves what was there from when he was thirteen and nearly cuts himself when he recognizes Officer Slater’s voice. “What are you doing there, Richie?”

“It’s not illegal to carve into this bridge!” Richie immediately protests, shoving his knife back in his pocket and turning around. “So, uh, I can’t get in any trouble for this, right?”

“I’m not stopping you because of the carving, Richie, I’m stopping you because you reek of marijuana” Officer Slater says flatly.

“Oh. Oh, yeah, um,” Richie fidgets with his glasses. He takes them off briefly to wipe them on his shirt, a nervous tic of his, giving Slater a better look at his red, glassy eyes. “I-I smoked a little earlier, but I don’t have anything on me now, I swear!”

“Why do you do these things, kid?” Slater asks casually. Richie is taken aback by the genuine concern and interest expressed by the older man. He isn’t able to form a complete sentence, which turns out to not be a problem as Slater continues talking anyway. “I know this isn’t some prolonged teenage rebellion, you’re not some punk kid trying to be a badass.”

“You-you don’t know that for sure” Richie says with a nervous laugh, not ready to let his guard down just yet.

“Richie, I’ve been a cop for some time now,” Slater chuckles. “I see bad kids all the time. You’re definitely not one of them. You make some terrible choices, but you’re not a bad kid.”

“I get...” Richie trails off, looking for the right word. He finally settles on “Impulses.” Slater nods.

“Is it hard for you to control your impulses?”

“Sometimes, yeah” Richie confesses. Slater notices the embarassment on his face and decides to change the subject.

“So, what were you carving there anyway?” Slater gestures to where Richie is standing, covering what he wrote with his body.

“Nothing!” Richie says, too defensively.

“What, did you draw a dick there or something?” he and Richie let out little laughs in unison. “I promise, I won’t arrest you for that.”

He gets closer, gesturing for Richie to move away. Richie lets out a distressed noise as he reluctantly moves. Slater looks over and sees the inscription. R + E.

“That-that’s no one, it’s um, it’s just-“ Richie stammers, looking down at his shoes.

“It’s that boy you’re always with, isn’t it? The one with the dark brown hair?” Slater already knows the answer as he watches the all of the color drain from Richie’s face.

“No!” Richie growls, struggling to contain himself. “I don’t care what the fuck you’ve heard from the assholes in this stupid town, I’m not fucking-“

“Richie, please, calm down,” Slater says gently, noticing the tears streaming down the teenager’s cheeks. “It’s fine if you like your friend. Really, there’s nothing wrong with it.”

Richie lets out a whimper and whispers “I’m gay.” He almost recoils after saying it, as though it were a dirty word.

“It’s okay” Slater reassures him. Richie allows Slater to get closer to him and squeeze his shoulders. He looks comforted by this gesture.

“Am I the first person you told?” Slater asks softly. Richie tearfully nods.

“I- People have called me gay for years. And then, I-I tried to tell a boy I thought was my friend, but he and his friends called me a fag and,” Richie rambles, sniffling a little. “I don’t want anyone to know.”

“Well,” Slater bites his lip, trying to think of what to say. “You don’t have to tell anyone you’re not ready to.”

“I want to tell Eddie,” Richie whispers forlornly. “I want to tell him and have him be mine forever.”

“Well, tell him, he’s your best friend, isn’t he?” Slater suggests. Richie’s eyes widen, but Slater continues before he can protest. “You never know what will happen unless you give it a shot.”

He lets Richie calm down a bit before offering him a ride home. Wentworth is out in the yard when Slater pulls up, and his eyes nearly pop out of his skull when he sees his son step out of the car. Slater rolls down the windows and gives him a friendly smile. “Ran into Richie while I was in town and thought I’d give him a ride home. You’ve got a great kid, Dr. Tozier.” Richie tries not to blush at this.

When Richie and Went meet with Maggie inside, Richie blurts out that he’s gay before he can think of anything else to say. After a nice conversation about it and his parents politely ignoring the fact that he’s obviously high, the three of them are all a little grateful that he ran into Officer Slater once again.

\+ 1. August 1994

The Derry Days carnival is one of Slater’s favorite times to be on duty. No matter what happens, he gets beers and some treats out of being there. He’s in the middle of getting himself some cotton candy when he notices two figures dart off to a secluded area. He has a half a mind to just ignore it and enjoy his cotton candy, and he does at first. It’s when he has a mouthful of cotton candy and notices the same pair of shadows moving around the area that he sighs and goes off to investigate. Sometimes he really hates this job.

He stops being worried at all when he hears the voices that the figures belong to.

“Is it really a crime to want to hold my boyfriend’s hand?”

“But what if someone sees us here?”

“Relax, no one will. Hell, I could whip my dick out-“

“Richie!”

Slater chuckles and shines his flashlight on them. “Please, for the love of god, don’t whip your dick out,” he sees the kids’ eyes widen and holds out the cotton candy he has in his other hand. “Want some?”

“Officer Slater?” Richie asks incredulously. He still accepts the offer, pinching off some cotton candy for himself.

“I think we might as well plan our meet ups if we’re gonna keep running into each other like this. Look, I’m just doing my job. I don’t care what you kids do back here, as long as your clothes stay on your bodies.”

They all let out some laughs until a figure approaches them. It’s Bowers, alone for once. He notices the boyfriends and excitedly prepares to give them a hard time.

“Tozier and Kaspbrak? No fucking way, what are you two fags-“ Bowers stops his taunts immediately when he notices Officer Slater, who raises an eyebrow at him, daring him to continue.

Bowers lets out an awkward noise, somewhere between a fake laugh and a scared whimper. “Uh, well, it’s good to see you two again, but um, I gotta get back to my friends,” he gives a small wave to Slater. “Evening, um, Officer.”

“Yeah, nice mullet, asshole” Slater mutters as Bowers sulks off, remembering what Richie said before about kids calling him a fag. Eddie and Richie don’t hide their amusement at Bowers’ predicament and Slater doesn’t blame that all.

Eddie nervously grabs Richie’s hand. Richie turns and kisses his forehead, which makes Eddie turn bright red. Slater feels like he’s going to die from the cuteness. These two share more affection than he and his first wife did during their short marriage.

“See, what did I tell you, kid?” he says to Richie. Richie blushes slightly.

“Huh?” Eddie asks.

“I’ll tell you later” Richie assures him.

“Alright, I gotta get back to patrolling-“

“You mean snacking and occasionally checking on things?”

“That’s exactly what I mean” Slater affirms. “Have a good time tonight, don’t do any stupid shit, I can charge you two as adults now, and please use protection later.”

As he turns away he gets an “Oh we will!” from Richie and an embarassed groan from Eddie. One of these days, he’s gonna have to let the boys tag along with him on the job and show them a good time.

**Author's Note:**

> So... this was different lmao. I was watching a video where Bill Hader was talking about his most famous characters, and he said Slater’s glasses in Superbad was based on a cop that would bust him and his friends when he was a teenager, whose glasses made him hard to take seriously. I started wondering what the hell Bill got up to as a teenager to get him busted by a cop, and then I thought it would be interesting to have Richie busted by Officer Slater. Not because Richie is a bad boy, but because he’s a little shit who makes bad choices. Like I said, most self indulgent thing I’ve ever written. And my first fic on here is a self indulgent Hamilton group chat fic that’s like 90% sex jokes and swearing, so that’s saying something. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!


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